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Alcohol makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send it on its way.
Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, just move it all back again.
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MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
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MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CV's into the bin.
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Don't waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
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Don't waste money on expensive Ipods. Just think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to switch tracks, simply think of another song you like, and hum that instead.
CINEMA GOERS: Please have consideration for pirate DVD recorders by visiting the toilet before the film starts.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it before jumping in.
People whose surname is "Toblerone" should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
BAD COUGH? Take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough!
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when
you hit the snooze button.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
BEARDED MEN: Obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to your beard, paint your nose blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Trouble making your bed? Use a bed spread instead of your bottom sheet, that way when you have just jumped out of bed it looks almost made. Using a another bed spread for your top sheet and it may look even better.
Putting just the right amount of gin or vodka in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
DYSLEXICS: Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly. (I've tried this myself with varying levels of success).
MEN. Have a bit of fun, Fill up a plastic squeeze bottle with water. Next time you go shopping near the supermarket place the bottle between your legs and squeeze, people will complain. Just say "SMILE you are on candid camera."
CONSTIPATED? No problem, go to the keep fit gym, and use one of those vibrating belts around your bottom. That'll soon shake it loose!
UNTIDY PEOPLE: Get in a flat mate, then when visitors come, you can blame the mess around your home onto them.
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
Avoid over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the pavement just outside your gate. The milkman can then check your day-to-day requirement for himself.
When reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark.
MOTORISTS: Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
(Good Advice but seems never to be taken!)
MOTORISTS: A teaspoon placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS: Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
Next time you pop out to the supermarket, glue carpet tiles to the soles of your shoes. They'll make shopping more pleasurable as you will feel like you are walking around your own living room.
Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
Don't store washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it handy in the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the sink.
Look 'tough' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front of you during the journey.
MOTORISTS: Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive mobile phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
MOTORISTS: When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.
MOTORISTS: Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
BOMB DISPOSAL EXPERTS' WIVES: Keep your hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock and some coloured wires (all the same colour will give the best effect!).
SENIOR CITIZENS: Avoid confusion between microwave ovens and television sets by cutting out a large letter 'M' in brightly coloured paper, and sticking it to the door of the oven.
TEENAGERS: Fed up with posters falling off the wall? Simply file them in a filing cabinet under 'P' and you'll know exactly where to find them if you want a quick look.
Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.
Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
Don't fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply fill balloons with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air-filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire.
MOTORISTS: Re-spraying your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel, muting the sound etc. using your identical remote control.
HOUSEWIVES: The best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Use sand instead of sugar in your tea. It can be re-used many times and has far fewer calories with no bitter after-taste.
When throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.
MOTORISTS: Avoid being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
MOTORISTS: Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
TAXI DRIVERS. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicator lights for you so that other motorists know where you're going?
Save the cost of installing cable TV by taping current editions of Top Of The Pops and then watching them in fifteen years' time.
Old contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
Keep a hammer under your pillow in case any nails fall out of the ceiling at night.
Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
Never attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door.
Take your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
Make shopkeepers feel like con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
Save on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees and wasps in the summer months.
Give your friends the impression that you wear contact lenses by blinking frequently midway through conversations, and stopping to carefully pull at your lower eyelids.
WIG WEARERS: Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and you'll appear to be an innocent party-goer.
Apply red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Weigh your pet by first weighing yourself, then weighing yourself again, this time carrying your pet. Deduct the first weight from the second to reveal your pet's weight. (If weighing goldfish, remember to make an allowance for the weight of the bowl and the water).
MUMS: When clearing up after a children's party, always burst balloons before throwing them away. This way you use far fewer dustbin liners.
HOLIDAYMAKERS: Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to have 'skinhead' haircuts a day or two before departure.
Plastic tops from smartie tubes make ideal Frisbees for a pet gerbil or hamster.
GARDENERS: Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before planting. Hey presto! Ready cut chips at harvest time.
