Highfields Amateur Radio Club
Fun & Games Pages.

Senior Citizen Humour.

The older a man gets, the more ways he learns to part his hair. Some men pull what little bit of hair they have around on their head to cover their baldness. However, as a man gets even older, he realises there are basically only three ways to wear his hair:

1. Parted.
2. Unparted.
3. Departed.

You Know You're Growing Older When:

• Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You feel like the 'morning after' and you haven't been anywhere the night before.
• Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• You reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
• Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is 'Twenty years ago today'.
• You turn out lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
• You regret all those mistakes you made, especially resisting temptation.
• Your 17 around the neck, 52 around the waist, and 106 around the golf course.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.
• The little old gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• You sink your teeth in a steak, and they stay there.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
• You get your exercise acting, as a pallbearer, for your friends who exercise.
• You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions.
• You no longer grit your teeth at night, because you don't sleep in the same room as they do.
• When you see your reflection, you wonder why the old person is staring at you.
• Your hair piece, went bald too.
• The candles at your bithday party cost more than the cake.
• By law, a fire extinguisher must be present, when they light your candles.
• You are older than your doctor.
• Joints that were soft, stay stiff, muscles that got stiff, now stay soft.
• When you quit lying about your age, and now brag to everyone how old you are.
• When you no longer have enemies, they have all died.
• When you catch women, you can't remember why you were chasing them.

Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club.
"We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing a black dress, black underwear and black shoes to match my hubby's black hair," said Mrs. Smith.
"Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, blushing, "I'd better not go."

An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knee and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. She replied, "OK."
He said, "Will you marry me?"
She excitedly replied, "Yes, yes, oh yes! What's the second question?"
"Will you help me up?"

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved 'I love you, Sally'.

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, its fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back!"
She says, "Finders keepers!" and puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at the old couples' home.
One knocks on the door & says, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him.
One says,"Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…"
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's go, we're wasting time here!"

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. He listened to the doctors' advice and left the surgery.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a cuppa!"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it…"
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
"I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast?"

I'm Fine Thank You

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the road on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "Because I didn't recognise you!"

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around B&Q when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like? "
The old guy says, "Doesn't really matter --- let's look for yours." Great Truths About Growing Old

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone

The Senior newlyweds are in bed on the first night and she is just lying there and he can't do it so he says to her.
"You'll have to do something."
She asks him what and he says,
"Oh, you know, moaning and stuff"
So they start again and she goes:
"Look at the state of them curtains! and the dust on that dressing table! You haven't folded your trousers!" An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would highly recommend it."
"What is the name of the restaurant?" The other man asked.
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone youl ove? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" An elderly gentleman had had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear perfectly for the first time in years.
The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor a month later for a check up and the doctor, after examining him said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations." The old lad replied, "And I've changed my will three times!" Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
"I feel just like a newborn baby." Slim replies.
"Really!? Like a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." A young man was doing his shopping in the supermarket when he noticed an elderly lady following him around the shop. 'Pardon me, young man,' she said to him as they headed for the checkout, 'I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable, it's just that you look so much like my son who, died just recently.'

'I'm very sorry to hear that,' the fellow replied, 'Please, go in front of me in the queue.'

'Why, thank you, sonny. I wonder if you could do a little something for me to make me feel happier?'

'I'll do my best,' he replied, 'What is it?'

'Could you just say 'Goodbye Mum' as I leave the store?'

'Of course I can.' He replied.

She passed through the checkout and, dutifully, the lad said 'Goodbye mum!' and busily packed his few items in the bag as they came through thee till. Looking up he was surprised to see his bill was over £100.

'How come the bill is so much!' he exclaimed 'I only bought a few small things?.

'Your mum said that you would be paying for her shopping too,' replied the shop assistant.

Tony and his wife Alison went to the Lowestoft Air show every year.
Every year Tony would say, "Ali', I'd like to ride in that there aeroplane."
Every year Ali' would reply, "I know, Tony, but that aeroplane ride costs ten pounds, and ten pounds is ten pounds."
This one year Tony and Ali' went to the fair and Tony said, "Ali' , I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance. "
Ali' replied, "Tony, that there aeroplane ride costs ten pounds, and ten pounds is ten pounds."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten pounds."
Tony and Ali' agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Tony,
"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Tony replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Alison fell out, but ten pounds is ten pounds."

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for thepolice car to catch-up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir." A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,
"Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk." An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked,
"To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old-timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
"Who said my dad's dead?"
"You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive ... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
"You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
"He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
The old-timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old-timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Karl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said,
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
A few moments later she said,
"Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said,
"Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my damn teeth," he replied.

"Oh, I sure am glad to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother's side). "Now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"He told Mommy that he'd climb the walls if you came to visit," answered the boy.

A very self-important (US) college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart, what are you doing for the next generation?"
The applause was resounding..