NEW!
There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys ain't gonna drink beer, then neither will I."
NEW!
A young Scottish lad and a young Scottish lass are holding hands and gazing out over a beautiful Loch. After a few minutes, the girl says to the boy, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"I was thinkin', perhaps it's time we had a wee cuddle." Blushing, the girl leans over and cuddles him.
After a while, the girl says, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"I was thinkin', perhaps it's about time for a wee kiss." She leans over and pecks him lightly on the cheek.
There's another silence before the girl speaks, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"I was thinkin', perhaps it's about time I put ma hand on your leg." Shyly, she puts his hand on her knee.
At this point, she notices him very deep in thought and says, "Angus, another penny for you thoughts."
"Well now," he frowns, "Ma thoughts are much much more serious this time."
"Really?" whispers the girl, biting her lip in anticipation.
"Aye," he says, "I was thinking it's aboot time ya paid me the first three pennies!"
NEW!
NEW!
A film crew was on location deep in the desert.
One day an old Indian went up to the director
and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible! said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio broken."
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.
So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more, so it started filling up the rest of me!
(That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!)
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Vincenzo Palumbo?"
Cautiously the boy replies, "Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was this girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation"
"Well, Vincenzo, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Lucia Ramazotti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Amaggio?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Rosa Lupini?"
"I'm sorry Father, but I cannot give you her name."
"Was it Francesca Speroni?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Then it must have been Sophia Fozzaccia!"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be in the choir for 4 weeks. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Vincenzo walks back to his pew, his friend Rocco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four weeks vacation and five good leads."
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So the man trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320 Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Link Game comes up and he wins that too, getting £380,000, a grand total of £321,355 from a £1.00 card.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Well sir, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win the four corners, line, full house and the national on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Hey!" says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle too!!"
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting , "13…13…13…"
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting "14…14…14…"
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected carefully as others may see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration. When I first came across the list there were 10 sites, 4 have seen the light, as it were, and renamed their sites.
A father gave some advice for a first date:
"Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"
So the lad showed up with flowers AND chocolates. She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair, hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewellery!"
Home Recipe For inexperienced cooks.
Ingredients:
Method:
Note:
If the bread starts to rise, Leave town immediately.Denise has her own system for labeling homemade freezer meals, she doesn't call them "Beef Curry" or "Roast Pork" or "Beef Pie."
She calls them "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," and, my favorite, "Food."
That way when she asks me what I want for dinner she's certain to have what I want.
From the tank gunnery Sgt, on hearing a non-military gunnery correction shouted from
the gunner to the commander:
"THERE IS NO SUCH COMMAND AS -- LEFT A KNATS KNACKER!!"
(( said when correcting aim a tiny tiny itsybitys bit)).
"It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed"
U.S. Air Force Manual.
"If the Enemy is in range, so are you."
Infantry Journal
"Aim towards the Enemy."
Instruction printed on a U.S. Rocket Launcher.
"When the pin is pulled, Mr.Grenade is not our friend."
U.S. Marine Corps.
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground."
USAF Ammo Troop.
"Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
General MacArthur.
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
Infantry Journal.
"You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me."
U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracer bullets work both ways.
U.S. Army Ordnance.
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
Infantry Journal.
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
U.S. Navy Swabbie.
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
David Hackworth.
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
Infantry Journal.
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
Joe Gay.
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
Unknown.
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
Unknown Marine Recruit.
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
Unknown.
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.
USAF Ammo Troop.
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
Unknown.
"There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor.
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
Unknown.
"Never trade luck for skill."
Unknown.
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
Unknown.
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a kit bag to store dead batteries."
Unknown.
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error inthe first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head Abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in the archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot , so the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.The young monk asks the old Abbot, "'What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was...CELEBRATE!!!"
And Adam said: "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God Said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you shall call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and Eve and loved them.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion for Adam.
And CAT would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The policeman is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, an MP (Member of Parliament) comes in for a haircut and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
That, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Government.
After undergoing a full medical, a nervous man summons up the courage to ask his doctor: "How long have I got left to live?"
"Okay, I'll give it to you straight," the doctor replies. "Ten…"
"Ten what?" asks the terrified man. "Years, months, weeks, days?"
"... nine, eight…"
Sky has just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately, it's only available on paper view.
Recently, the United Nations conducted a world survey. The question was:
Please state your opinion on the shortage of food in the rest of the world.
The survey was an utter failure, because:
In Africa, they did not know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe and Asia, people didn't understand "opinion".
In Western Europe nobody knew what a "shortage" was.
In South America people had no idea what "please" was.
And in the United States, nobody knew what "the rest of the world" meant...
On a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “You English are too stiff. You set yourself apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at me… I’m me. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”
The Englishman replied, “Very sporting of your mother.”
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says,
"How's the singing career going?"
"Not too bad. How's the golf?" Stevie asks in reply.
"Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
"You play GOLF?" Tiger says, incredulus that this should be so.
"Yup," Stevie says, "I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks an impressed Tiger.
"Well," replies Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice again."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer." (Defination: "An amateur player who plays to the standard to be competing in the United States Amateur Championship" or Very good.)
Woods, even more incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm up for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Oh, I'm easy. Pick a night"
Sad news from the Etch-A-Sketch art exhibition following the recent earthquake. Before the quake they had some lovely artwork on display.
Unfortunately the quake has caused the exhibition to close early when staff opened up that morning to discover:
I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be eight again" she replied
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park:
Five hours later she staggered out of the Theme Park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot"
The moral of this story: Even when a man is Listening, he's still going to get it wrong.
I'm worried.I thought of my three closest friends, they seem OK.
I'm VERY worried.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Anniversary.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily."Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly.
Sobbing uncontrollably and wiping the tears from his cheeks he said, "I would have been released today!"
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon"
Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures."This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
Whoever coined the phrase:
"Honesty is the best policy."
Was never married to an insecure woman with a large posterior and a strong right arm!
In 1962 an elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... during World War 2, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. But of course, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."
"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Life as we know it.
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20 year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?"
God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back, that makes 80, okay?"
"It is so," said God adding, under his breath, "You asked for it!"
So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
The perfect husband?
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN ON PHONE: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping center and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "£1000 for a coat? Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "Mercedes? How much?"
WOMAN: "£70,000"
MAN: "£70,000? OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. The man smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I used to be a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !".
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
He replies, "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift." he began, "She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also gave her those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pairlike them."
He took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please..... ...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' "
I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "