I hope people will say after I die, 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just cups to muffle the screams.
Give a man a fish and he'l eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he'll buy worms from you.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone get your way.
No matter how much he enjoys it, don't let your gerbil ride on the ceiling fan.
Analising humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested, and the frog dies.
The more you say, the less people remember.
The easiest way to find something you lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Have you noticed, since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
You are making progress if each mistake is a new one
I saw a bald eagle the other day - all of its feathers were combed over to one side.
There are two types of roads in our country - one is under construction and the other is under repair.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
We spend the first six years teaching our children to walk and talk, and the next 15 telling them to sit down and shut up!
I went to a fight the other night and a football game broke out.
Why do our noses run and feet smell, does it mean we're upside down?
If we smoke in smoking jackets and we sleep in sleeping bags, what do we do in wind breakers?