1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
There is a dangerous virus currently being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called the Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, boss or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely! If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on, and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Here you should purchase a program called Work Isolator Neutralizer Extractor (WINE).
This is available in several formats:
The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift Hitting Infiltrator Remover All Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is the more expensive professional version. The cheaper version, which could give you some real headaches, is known as Pro-Lite Organism Network Killer (PLONK).
Run the WINE program repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. To assist in the complete eradication of this virus, please forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends then it is highly likely that you have already been infected, and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY (Destroys Every Available Decent Living Youngster).
Update 20-2-06: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best Equivalent Extractor Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but the program will have to be run more times for the same effect.
Update 3-5-06: Latest scientific tests show that after WINE and BEER the inclusion of Satisfactory Extramural eXercise (SEX) keeps you smiling and away from WORK for short periods.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Mayo (IRELAND). He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister:Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.
I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This £20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water, it's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of sudden, my arse started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realised what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my arse.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my arse as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't crap for two days because my arsehole was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your backside.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Did you know that photocopiers are female?