Next time you are in a car with a friend and you pull up to a red trafficlight, look at the person in the car next to you. When you've caught their eye roll down your window really fast (like you want to talk to them), and when they roll their window down, look at them and yell:
"Oh! did you fart, too?"
A chap buys a second hand car but returns it to the dealer because it makes a musical squeaking noise everytime he moves the gearstick.
"Of course it does sir," replies the dealer, "It's a Honda Accordian!"
Another unhappy customer returns his car as it keeps attacking bald people.
"What do you expect, sir?" enquires the dealer, "It thinks they're Roundheads and it's a Cavalier!"
This other bloke complains that his car follows him into resturants.
"Well it is an Escort, sir." states the glib salesman.
Yet another complaint: "The car keeps holding parties."
"It is a Fiesta!" comes the reply.
"This 'ere 4 wheel drive car you sold me keeps driving round moi fields on 'is own," complained the farmer.
"Of course it does sir. It's a Range Rover," was the response.
It's all in the breeding.......
Police Officer to motorist (Whom he has just stopped for doing 90 MPH in a 30 limit):
"May I 'ave your name , sir?"
Motorist:
"Certainly, Officer, it's Digby de Vere Beaumaris Pilkington-Smythe Carruthers-ffoulkes".
Officer (closing notebook):
"I see, sir. Don't let me catch you speeding again, now".
Traffic Wardens are being really complimentary these days.
I parked up on a double yellow the other day, and when I got back, there was a bit of paper on the window that said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice of them.
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"Sorry, I can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk!!"
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want, after all you're the guv'
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check".
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.
Don't Swear at Other Drivers
A man is driving up a steep, narrow and twisty mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman, although there is plenty of room, slows down, leans out the window and yells, "Pig!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and shouts, "Cow!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road..
It is reported that Percy Shaw saw a cat walking towards him on a dark night and, on noticing how the light was reflected, invented 'Cats Eyes' reflector studs for the road.....
Had the cat have been facing the other way would he have invented the desk top pencil sharpener?
A cat that crosses a busy road risks losing not only its nine lives, but also a dimension...
Two fish in a tank.
First fish to second fish: OK you drive, I'll fire the gun.
A car breaks down along the motorway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the motorway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.
When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?"
Just to prove that SatNav has been around for a while before it became popular.
Here is a photo of some early testing, fitted to a Royal Enfield motorcycle.
Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?"
The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years"
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."
St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"
He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord."
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."
"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?"
"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"
I've got this rubbing sound coming from the back. Is it the suspension?".
A blonde lady bought a new $200,000 top of the range with all the extras Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.
A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!"
...The radio cut over to George Bush's press conference.
The Toyota Cowrolla
Announcing the all new Hummer for the hungry motorist.
The Humm Burger.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Minot, North Dakota after last orders. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off -- it was a fine, dry summer night --, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
| English / German Car Phrases: How would the Germans pronounce English car words and phrases? Accident | == | Das Bleedinkmess
| Backfire | == | Der Lowdenbangrmekkenjumpen
| Bonnet | == | Pullnob und Knucklechoppen
| Breathalyser | == | Der Puffitinter fur Pistenarsen
| Clutch | == | Die Kuplink mit achlippen und schaken
| Cyclist | == | Der Peddalpushink Pilloken
| Double White Lines | == | Overtaken und Krunchen
| Estate Car | == | Die Bagzeroomforshaggindasbach
| Exhaust | == | Spitzenpoppenhangentuben
| Exhaust Fumes | == | Dar koffundschplitterpoluter
| Fog Warning | == | Die Puttenklogdown und Fukkit
| Fuel Gauge | == | Der Walletemptyung Meter
| Garage | == | Der Haiway Robberung
| Gear Lever | == | Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
| Headlights | == | Das Dippendontdazzelubasted
| Highway Code | == | Der Wipen fur arsen
| Indicators | == | Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
| Juggernaut | == | Der Fukkengratt Trukken
| Learner | == | Die t***ten Mit Elplate
| Near Accident | == | Der Phewn Near Schittenselfen
| Parking Meter | == | Die Tennarpincscher und Zlockenarr
| Power Brakes | == | Der edbangeronvindschreen stoppenquick
| Rear View Mirror | == | Der Yonkunter ist Tooklosan
| Seat Belt | == | Der klunkenklikken frauleinstrapper
| Skid | == | Der Banannen Waltzen
| Speedometer | == | Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
| Traffic Jam | == | Die Bluddifukkindamundblast
| Tyres | == | Flatfahrts
| Windscreen Wiper | == | Der flippenflappenmuckenspredder
| | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?' The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(Get your best Chinese accent ready .....)
'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'
The announcement was followed by Ferrari's Decision to take advantage of a scheme to hire unemployed youths from an inner city area.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how they were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8.4 seconds.
This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management, as most races are won & lost in the pits, and Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, as during the crew's first practice session, not only were "da boyz" able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged, and sold the car to the McLaren Team for four dozen Stellas and a spliff!!
Out he jumps from behind the bricks and shouts 'SUPPLIES'
Tools Commonly Used in a Garage, and their uses.....HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate, and irreparably disassemble, expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brakedrum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "b*****" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
They call the owner, he comes over and they tell him they can't find anything, and no smell either. So the owner takes the mechanic out on a test drive.
Well, he is THE worst driver in the world. He revs the engine up, drops the clutch and they hurtle off like at Santa Pod. Come to a junction and the anchors go on and they slide to a halt, just missing the car in front. Lane changes come ten a minute. Near miss after near miss. And so it goes on for several miles.
Finally the driver exclaims "There's that smell" and slams to a halt.
He turns to the ashen-faced mechanic sitting next to him and says "There you are, can you smell it too?"
"Smell it, Sir, smell it" cries the mechanic. "I'm sitting in it".
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
"I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors.
When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - all the passengers are sitting completely terrified, eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving significantly slower than the limit can also be dangerous."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour! I always stick exactly to the limit" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State trooper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 139."