An American big city lawyer went duck hunting while on holiday in rural Cornwall. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer countered, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'."
The lawyer askes, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
"Well," the Farmer replies, "Because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''
By this time the Judge was interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
2: It is illegal to impersonate a Chelsea Pensioner.
3: (Now how many of you break this one every year?) It is forbidden to eat a Mince Pie on Christmas Day! Blame Oliver Cromwell for that one, but it is still law today.
4: In Liverpool; It is illegal for a woman to be topless in public, unless she is a clerk in a tropical fish store.
5: In York; You are not allowed to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow, unless it is Sunday!
6: Us Welsh fare no better. In Chester you can shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow as long as you are within the city walls and it is after midnight!
7: Anyone breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end could still find themslef spending 24 hours in the village stocks.
8: Yet another law states that: No boy under the age of 12 is allowed to see a naked mannequin.
9: Ladies are forbidden to eat chocolate on a public conveyance.
10: No one is allowed to die in Parliment, except the Monarch. I wonder what the penalty for that is? Life maybe?
11: No person may stand within 5 feet (about 1½ meters) of a reigning monarch without socks on. I wonder what happens when they go swiming?
12: Fancy a drink after all that? Well, It is against the law to be drunk on Licensed Premises.
No wonder lawyers are so rich with laws like that to work with!
19-year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses in 1998 when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
In 1998, Terrence Dickson of Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation so Mr Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food he found. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
In November 2000 Mr Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this.
He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winniebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)
A witness was asked in court by his defence counsel: 'What distance were you from the accident when it happened?
'Thirty one feet, 4 1/4 inches', he replied.
'But Mr Higgins! said the barrister. 'Come come, how can you expect this court to believe you could possibly be as precise as that?'
'Well, I knew some damn fool idiot would ask me, so I measured it.'
A defence lawyer says to his client:
"I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is your blood test came back and the DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's shirt."
"Damn," says the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."
A teacher, a dustman and a lawyer find themselves waiting outside the pearly gates.
Eventually, St Peter emerges and informs them that in order to get to heaven, they'll each have to answer one question. St Peter turns to the teacher.
"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They made a movie about it."
The teacher answers quickly, "That would be Titanic." St Peter lets him through the gates.
He then turns to the dustman and asks: "How many people died on the ship?"
Unfortunately, the dustman has just seen the DVD. "1,228," he answers.
"That's right! You may enter."
St Peter then turns to the lawyer. "Name them."
A very rich lawyer is approached by a charity worker who is concerned that the lawyer didn't donate any money to charity, despite making over £1m that year."First of all," says the lawyer, "my mother is bedridden and gets no help from social services. Second, I have five kids through three divorce marriages. Third, my sister's husband recently died and she has no one to support her four children."
"I'm terribly sorry," says the charity worker, "I feel bad about asking for your money."
"So you should," replies the lawyer. "If I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
This is supposedly a TRUE news story, not a joke, but fun all the same...A lawyer in Charlotte, North Carolina, purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and insured them, amongst other things, against fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in "a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous, however, the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and therefore, was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
More insurance related humour, the filled in forms relating to accidents with pedestrians:The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.
Even more insurance related humour, this time accidents with other vehicles:I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intesection)
Still more insurance related humour, this time general collisions, calamities, and injuries:Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. (I know just how he felt!)
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. (Rather a drastic way to kill a fly??)
I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof. (Note to self: Do NOT drink coffee when editing these pages, ALSO need more screen wipes)
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket. (Poor dog!)
The claimant had collided with a cow, the questions and answers on the claim form were:-
No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.
I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight. (Seems like it sometimes!)
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control. (She sounds like one of those 'fast women'!)
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. (Take brakes more frequently!)
I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 miniutes early.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.