The History of Communications.

A short exerpt from a Goon Show broadcast by the BBC in January 1954.

I have been unable to find a released recording of this so it is taken from a reel-to-reel tape recording made at the time of broadcast. Original coyright ©1954 BBC, so I believe that it is no longer under copyright (50 years) and, therefore, may be used freely.

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I have included a transcript below so if there are any inaudible bits you can fill in the blanks.

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The History of Communications
Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens.

The Players:

GREENSLADE. - Wallace Greenslade (BBC Announcer).
SECOMBE. - Harry Seacombe (Own Voice).
SELLERS. - Peter Sellers (Own Voice).
MILLIGAN. - Spike Milligan (Own Voice).
FRED. - Spike Milligan.
ECCLES. - Spike Milligan.
DAI. - Harry Seacombe.
MIN (Minnie Banister). - Spike Milligan.
CRUN (Henry Crun). - Peter Sellers.
POSTMAN - Harry Seacombe.
MRS SMITH - Peter Sellers.
WIFE - Peter Sellers.
MAN - Harry Seacombe.

ORCHESTRA: Short fanfare.

SECOMBE: The History of Communications!

SELLERS: Man’s first communication with man was made, naturally enough, through the medium of the human voice. For instance:

SECOMBE [DAFT]: Hey, Fred.

FRED: Allo.

[Short pause]

SELLERS: But this was only (audience laughter) only practicable at close quarters. For long-distance communications, man developed this method:

SECOMBE [DAFT]: [Shouts] HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYY! FRREEEEEEEEEEED!

SELLERS: Centuries passed, and then:

FRED: [Shouts from distance] HEEEEEELLOOOOOOOOOOO!

SELLERS: The first important method of communication over long distances was The Runner.

GREENSLADE: The most famous of these messengers was the Greek Goonican, who ran 300 miles to Athens, bringing news of a great victory.

EFFECTS: Running, getting closer from a distance, slows down and stops.

ECCLES: [Puffing] My lords, greetings. I come from the great warlord, Arnold Princiopolies. 300 leagues have I run! Over the Ionicous, down the plains of Olympus, through the snowy wastes of Sabrina, across the arid deserts of Xerxes and I did swim the boiling waters of the Hellispont and over the…

SECOMBE: Yes, yes, yes, but the message?

ECCLES: Ooh. Well hold on, I’ll nip back and get it.

(audience laughter).

GREENSLADE: In the 19th century, came the innovation of the first penny post, thus, after nearly 2000 years, finally dispensing with The Runner.

ECCLES: [Out of breath] About time too.

(audience laughter).

SELLERS: The first stamps issued for the penny post were only very weakly adhesived, and so a new issue was made.

MILLIGAN: [Welsh accent] Letter for you, Dai.

DAI: Thank you. Hey, looks like this new glue is too strong.

MILLIGAN: [Welsh accent] Why boy?

DAI: There’s somebody's tongue underneath the stamp!

(audience laughter).

GREENSLADE: At first, the average Britain did not take to the penny post, as it was very infrequent.

MIN: Ooooh! Oh dear, dear. I haven’t heard a word since John left.

CRUN: Why not?

MIN: He took my ear-trumpet.

(audience laughter).

GREENSLADE: But after time, the post became universal, and deliveries were made to the most outlandish spots.

SELLERS: Such a place was the lonely Isle of Lurgi, where only one family lived. To reach their house, the postman had to row three miles across the straits of Lurgi, and proceed on mule-back up the rugged mountain side, and finally tramp for eight miles across the plateau, until:

EFFECTS: Knock on door. Door opens.

POSTMAN: Mrs Jones?

MRS JONES: Yes?

POSTMAN: Nothing for you today!

MRS JONES: Thank you.

(audience laughter).

GREENSLADE: A few years later came the parcel post and for the first time, people were able to send appropriate gifts to loved ones far away.

EFFECTS: Knock on door. Door opens

MRS SMITH: Yes?

POSTMAN: Parcel for you Mrs Smith, from your son-in-law.

MRS SMITH: From, ‘im? Parcel?

EFFECTS: Door closes. Rustling of paper.

MRS SMITH: That good-for-nothing. I wonder what he's sent me?

EFFECTS: Explosion.

(audience laughter).

GREENSLADE: And somewhere in London, an unknown man is seated in a tiny workshop. Before him on the table, almost completed, is the greatest invention of them all; the wireless set. He looks up, weary and haggard as his wife comes in.

WIFE: Darling, you’ll kill yourself working like this.

MAN: I must go on! I must go on! Don’t you understand?

WIFE: What?

MAN: I feel I - I feel I’m nearly there.

WIFE: Oh.

MAN: Wireless. That’s what I’ll call it Wireless! Yes, Wireless! Ohoho. If only I could unravel the secret of the baffle coiled baluns.

GREENSLADE: Thousands of miles away, you merely lift up your phone and say:

SECOMBE [DAFT]: [shouts] HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYY! FRREEEEEEEEEEED!

FRED: [shouts] HEEEEEELLOOOOOOOOOOO!

ORCHESTRA:

(audience applause).