An Australian, an Irishman and a Chav are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Special Brew. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle! Thank you Jesus!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the Fosters. As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle! Thank you Jesus!"
Jesus then approaches the Chav who says, "Back off pall, I'm on disability benefit!"
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
The third man said the he had married a chav girl from Liverpool. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.
A chav hubby is at home watching a footie game when his chavvette comes in interupting.
"Oi Hun, could you change the light in the hall, it's been out for a week now?
He doesn't even look up when he says, "Does it look like it says "electrician" on me 'ed under me cap? I Don't think so!"
"Well Hun," she says, "Do you think you could look at the fridge door? It won't close right and the Special Brew is gettin' warm."
Again not taking his eyes from the match he replies, "Does it look like it says "Hotpoint" on me 'ed under me cap? I Don't think so!"
"At least you could fix the window, it's draughty in here." she says.
Getting up from his chair. he replies, "I 'aint a carpenter neither! I'm off dowm the pub to get some peace."
When he returns home he notices that the light is working, the fridge door is shut and it's lovely and warm in the house.
"Hey luv," he asks, "How'd all this get fixed?"
"Well," she replies, "When you left I sat on the doorstep crying. This guy came along and asked what's up? So I told him and he said he'd fix it all if I'd bake him a cake, or go to bed with him."
"Sweet Luv, What cake did you bake him?"
"HELLO! Does it look like it says "Delia Smith" on me 'ed? I Don't think so!"
Chav's idea of a generator:
The Accessory that makes a house your home:
Some Chav Greetings Cards:
And here we have a Chav type Wall Mounted Flat TV.
But what makes it 'Chav'? Is it nicked?
Well let's have a look at the fitting of it.
A chav girl goes to her mother and says: "Mum, I think I'm pregnant"
The mother says: "But didn't I tell you to take the necessary measures?"
The daughter replies: "But thats just what I did, I measured them all and then went with the biggest..."
An Englishman a Scotsman and a Chav all talking about their teenage daughters...
The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Chav says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a ****."
An Englishman a Scotsman and a Chav were in a pub, talking about their sons...
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Chav. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?