Highfields Amateur Radio Club
Fun & Games Pages.

Animal Humour.

How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Border Collie: Just One. And then I'll replace all the wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach the stupid lamp.

Rottweiler: Make Me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh Me, me me, PLEEEEEEEEZE let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I, PLEEEEEEEEZE, PLEASE PLEASE?

German Shepard: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell: I'll just pop it in while I am bouncing off the walls.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there--RIGHT THERE

Greyhound: It isn't moving, who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear, and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Terrier: Let me bark at it for a while to see if it really needs changing.

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

There were 2 monkeys in a bath, one monkey said, "Whoo Whoo Whoo Haaa Haaa HAAA!"

The second monkey said, "Well put some cold water in then!"

Cat's Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three of their neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. So the young wife went to the pet store and enquired about a good guard dog.
The assistant told her, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But, he does know Karate."
The wife didn't believe the assistant, so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces.
Then he said to the dog, "Karate that table."
The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was, of course, disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.
When she told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, "Karate my ass!"

He was released from hospital 3 weeks later.

For several years a man trained his dog to tell jokes and sing songs. One day he was able to get the dog his first break, a spot on the David Lettermam show. When the dog came on stage, however, he froze and didn't say a word.

On the way home, the man scolds his dog. "You know, we had a shot at stardom and you go and blow it! What happened to you out on that stage anyway?"
"I couldn't see the darn cue cards," growled the dog.

What is a CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!

CONCLUSION: Dogs are tiny men in little fur coats.

How to give a Cat a Bath, possibly

1. Dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
   
   
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 2.5 seconds.
   
   
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
   
   
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
   
   
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.
   
   
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom speed is essential. In one single liquid motion shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
   
   
7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
   
   
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
   
   
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realise the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
   
   
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
    
    
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
    
    
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
    
    
13. In about 2 hours it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.

How to give a Cat a Bath, possibly, 2

1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalise on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
   
   
2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
   
   
3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
   
   
4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
   
   
5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
   
   
6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
   
   
7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

   In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

How To Prepare Chicken.

A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"
"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?

A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off.

What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?

A receding hareline.

A little girl asks her Mom, "Mom, may I take Susie the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, VNo, because Susie is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked, "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the lead and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the lead.
Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"
The little girl replied, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of petrol about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk.
"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen House and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the Hen House, three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there too!

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough when the farmer gets up the next day, Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard and vultures are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer!"

The 10 Cat Commandments

1. Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.
   
   
2. Thou shall not bring half dead kills into the house.
   
   
3. Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy bum.
   
   
4. Thou shall not lie down with thy bum in thy human's face.
   
   
5. Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.
   
   
6. Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
   
   
7. Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
   
   
8. Thou shall realise that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
   
   
9. Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
   
   
10. Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

A Panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please"
The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The Panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said, "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"
The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered. "You're a panda." "Good," the panda nodded, "Now go home and look up 'Panda' in the dictionary." With that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found 'Panda' and quickly read the definition: PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

Just thought you would like a joke with a little Pandamonium built in.

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
   
   
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
   
   
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
   
   
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
   
   
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
   
   
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
   
   
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
   
   
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below the spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
   
   
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
   
   
10. Retrieve cat from neighbouur's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
    
    
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch a new one from the bedroom.
    
    
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the street. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
    
    
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
    
    
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
    
    
15. Arrange for vet to make a house call

I just saw the animals in my neighborhood lining up two by two. Should I be worried?

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse says: "I think I can get you out." He stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."

The chicken does this and is pulled to safety.

Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in the supermarket. I was standing in a queue at the till.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog and, on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last time. I'd lost 3 and a half stone before I awakened in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trousers pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and, as the food is nutritionally complete, I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a fellow who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked If I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my testicles and a car hit me. I thought one fellow was going to have an heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid woman. Why else would I buy dog food?