Highfields Amateur Radio Club
Fun & Games Pages.

Amateur Radio Humour.

Knack Disease - Beware - there's at least 3 forms of this disease!

  1. The delusional form of Knack.
    Those affected only think that they are Engineers, having failed to develop tool handling dexterity, design or diagnostics. This is the most serious of afflictions and causes most physical, psychological and emotional damage resulting in major financial losses to domestic and commercial entities. Some are known to self harm and inflict damage to their hands with screwdrivers and soldering devices. They are sometimes prone to electric shocks which they prattle on about for years.

    The Cure: Keep them away from sharp objects, such as screwdrivers, knives that could be used as screwdrivers etc.

  2. The milder form of Knack.
    Those afflicted just take things apart without developing the full knack of being able to re-assemble the same. This results in 2 main outcomes:
    Firstly; more scrap and ecological damage.
    Secondly; calling on others with the fully developed knack that often leads to partial recovery and some level of normality and a deficit in the biscuit tin.

    The Cure: Keep them away from everything!

  3. Finally, the most serious form, Fully Developed Knack, which can be a boon or a hinderance.
    Those with Fully Developed Knack appear to like biscuits very much, consuming all the buscuits that they can find whilst doing what they do. It is best to leave them to talk to themselves while they listen to "noise" or weird, Dalek like, voices for hours on end.
    You know when they are alone from the wailing tones emanating from their room. It sounds something like "Seek You" followed by the verbal equivalent of hieroglyphics, which they can repeat for hours. Some even record this sequence and replay the recording every few seconds. When they are in this state it is best to interrupt them only when you're going for provisions and you think that they might require pale amber fluids to maintain their blood sugar levels.

    The Cure: None known at this time, although the introduction of a mate for the sufferer has shown improvement in some subjects, but this does not always work.
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My kind of house!
picture showina a water tower with a mass af antennas ann masts affixed to it. it is behind a house but from the angle the photo was taken it appears to be part of the houses roof
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What you get told at the rally with english translation.

This rig puts out a BIG signal - It's 50 kHz wide.
This is a really good CW rig - It doesn't work on SSB.
This is a really good SSB rig - It doesn't work on CW.
This is a really good rig - It doesn't work on CW or SSB.
The transmitter is outstanding - It doesn't receive.
The receiver is really hot - It doesn't transmit.
This rig is really hot - It's stolen.
It seems to be a vintage regenerative type - It oscillates.
I just re-valved it - Got 'em from questionable used valve stock.
I just aligned it - The slugs on the transformers are jammed and broken.
I don't know if it works - It doesn't work, probably never has.
It doesn't chirp - Because it doesn't transmit.
The audio sounds great - The mains hum is faithfully reproduced.
I just had it serviced - I sprayed WD-40 over all the wiring.
It comes with the original box - Just brush out the cat litter.
Better buy it now, cause it won't last - Exactly!
Sure, it works at full power - It sucks all it can from the wall outlet.
This rig has wide frequency coverage - It drifts up and down by 2 MHz.
Frequency stability is great - The VFO doesn't work - you'll have to use crystals.
Real popular rig in its day - There were whole HF nets on the repair and maintenance problems.
RadCom gave this one a really great review - The language broke new ground for profanity.
It might need a bit of tweaking - Marconi himself couldn't fix it, much less align it.
It was used in government service - It was stored outdoors on a wooden pallet.
The dial drive may need lubricating - The gears are stripped and the setscrew's frozen.
I plugged it in to check that it lights up - The light came from the two foot high flames.
I'm selling it because I have two of them - The working one I'm keeping.
You won't find one at a 'better' price - 'Better' defined as solely from the point of view of the seller.
This is a collector's item - The manufacturer just went belly up and won't honour the warranty.
It came from an SK sale - If you have any problem take it up with the original owner.
It worked last time I used it - If it still worked, I'd still be using it.
The only lightning damage was a fuse - The only lightning damage I recognised was a fuse.
I have the [missing part] somewhere, I'll send it to you, trust me - You'll never see the [missing part].
I'll help you carry it to the car - I'll do anything to unload this pile of ****.
It works O.K. on 80 meters - It had some parasitics but I got in and really screwed it up and now I want to unload it.
The valves used by this rig are worth the asking price - The rig uses a rare 7360 beam deflection tube for a balanced modulator, but it's blown and you'll spend at least $80+ to get a new one.
This is the rig of my dreams I really wanted one of these as a kid, but now I've got to let it go - As I've gotten older, I've learned what a pile of **** it is.
The signal quality of this rig was easily recognisable in its day - The high distortion and bad audio quickly identified this rig.
This rig will bring back the feelings and atmosphere of vintage ham gear - The bypass capacitors to the AC line put enough voltage on the chassis to give you a shock in the lips through the microphone, and it smokes so bad when you turn it on that you'll probably start coughing and wheezing.
I'd keep this baby, but my wife is making me clean everything out of the shack - I finally got around to giving this thing the proverbial heave-ho.
There are a couple of other people interested in it - Someone looked at it and laughed.
You'd better buy it now, because I'm leaving soon - A previous customer and his BIG brother are heading back toward the table and they aren't smiling.

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Q. Why did the chicken wire cross the road?
A. To make a ground plane, of course!
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You Can Get Further With A Kind Word and a Linear than you can with just a kind word!

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"I am often asked how radio works. Well, you see, wire telegraphy is like a very long cat. You yank his tail in New York and he meows in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? Now, radio is exactly the same, except that there is no cat."

Attributed to Albert Einstein

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Heard on the air
(the calls have been omitted to protect all concerned!)

AAAAA: "I hear that XXXXX is leaving the hobby."

BBBBB: "Yeah, but he's said that before."

AAAAA: "Maybe so, but this time the Magistrate said it!"

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Some Q signals have never made it to the official list. Here are some that may agree would be useful in appropriate situations. As with regular Q signals, each can be a statement or a question, depending on whether a question mark follows it.

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The following circuit has been found in a high percentage
of the 'cheaper' Amateur Radio equipment:
schematic diagram showing an ic marked Warranty expire timer, linked to another ic marked random fault generator, which has connections to power supply, p a, display and audio amplifier
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a cartoon showing that marconi invented radio just so he could teach people how to pronounce his first name
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