Some of these require a little technical or proceedural knowledge,
others are just plain funny!
If enough people ask I will put together
an explanation page for the tech / proc ones.

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful and things go from bad to worse when suddenly, one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular completely loses her cool. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane, "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane that can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He is gorgeous, tall and well built with long blonde flowing hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt,
one button at a time,
no one moves,
he removes his shirt,
his muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her.
He extends his arm, holding out his shirt to the trembling woman, and while gazing deeply into her eyes, he whispers,

"Iron this for me, will you?"

On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that a flight to Las Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later.

About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and anawkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "Why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.
"I no rike Jews either!" the copilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic."
"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah... all same!"

A letter sent to US airlines??

Dear Airline,
I have a solution to your falling passenger numbers and escalating fuel costs. Follow this 4 point plan and your company will soon be making more of a profit again, possibly more than ever before!

1. Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
   
   
2. Replace all the female flight attendants with good looking strippers! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would, at the very least, triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
   
   
3. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services".
   
   
4. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women, so hijackings would come to a screeching halt. As the chances of crashing into buildings has been stopped more people would be likly to fly so, again, revenue goes up (just like the 'planes).

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right, a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton.

After the missed runway landing, Heathrow Airport have spent £20,000 on new runway lighting:

US Air introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters addressed to the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters flooded in to the PR department asking, "What trip?"

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the USA.

The problem she had was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an statistician.

"Tell me," she asked suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"

The statistician looked through his research tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."

She nodded and thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"

Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. From that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her!

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and sheepishly explained that he had been jogging on the spot inside.

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles.
By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was annoyed. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said,
"Hey, Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a complete, silent standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

Check that date again!

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what the problem was.

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant.

"Oh and it took that long to remedy the problem?" queried the passenger.

"No," replied the Attendent, "It took us that long to find a new pilot."

Economy 'Fly By Wire' system.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. (P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)

P: The cockpit is emitting smoke!
S: Crew reminded that this is a non-smoking flight

P: Engine emitting unblievably loud noise!
S: Noise level reduced to more believable levels.

P: Evidence of oil leak on runway!
S: Evidence removed.

P: Noise behind left panels. Sounds like a little man with hammer.
S: Took hammer from little man.

P: Bugs smashed on canopy!
S: Bugs given coffee to sober up.

P: "The autopilot doesn't."
S: "IT DOES NOW."

P: # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Unfamiliar noise from engine.
S: Ran engine continuously for 4 hours - noise now familiar.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Unidentified voice: "Radar, we're a flight of two A10s, currently overhead and, er, we've forgotten our callsigns"
RAD: "No problem, we'll allocate temporary ones: adopt callsign Stupid One and Stupid Two"

A/C: "LHR Ground, Speedbird 123 request taxi."
GND: "Speedbird 123, hold position, you'll be following a Virgin with a tight slot."

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air but flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean eh.. you're not the flight instructor...?"

From the BBC News Archive: Dateline.. Friday, 19 November, 1999

"Israeli premier Ehud Barak escaped unhurt when a jet carrying him and his party was in collision with a baggage truck on the tarmac at Manchester airport.
The Israeli Air Force Boeing 707 was maneuvering during a refueling stop when the accident happened late on Thursday night...
... Mr. Barak's senior policy adviser, Danny Yatom said: 'It is good that it happened on the ground and not in the air.'"

Don't believe what Danny said? check out the story yourself!

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing. But I didn't stop

Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon."
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over that beacon!"
(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."

The passenger aircraft was fully loaded and in the air after takeoff when the announcement came over the loudspeaker:

“Ladies and gentlemen, we've been working on a fully automatic piloting system for years that doesn't need a flight crew and are proud to announce that it has been perfected. You are the first passengers to fly controlled by software only with nobody in the cockpit.We are proud that during all our testing there has never been a mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake, ...”

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

“What's that for?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, “but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."

Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then, the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!”

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.

Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport

ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."

Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!" (pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure...by the way as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "National 63 cleared for takeoff...did you copy the report from Eastern?"
National 63: "Roger, Tower, cleared for takeoff... yes, we've already notified our caterers."

Cessna 152:"Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan Am 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019